I can't not believe you have been gone for two years. I have healed a lot this year. You are not forgotten by any means but the pain of losing you is starting to be forgotten. I've been hearing you whisper to me for a while now to unplug from all the media that surrounds me. I have had several conversations continue to pop into my mind we had about the importance of you being home and available for us when we came home from school. I don't think I fully appreciated what a gift and sacrifice that was until now. I am a blogger now and so this is not always an easy thing.
One of the New Years goals I set this year is to unplug each day from 4-8. Scouts, sports, and carpools make it hard to do some nights but I am loving and cherishing that time each day. Most days I put my phone in my room where I can't even hear it during homework, dinnertime, and bedtime. I find myself looking forward to that time each day because it's so relaxing to just be present with the boys and unavailable to the world. Its amazing how so many tiny distractions here and there interrupted the mood of the house. I find that I am much more patient because I can be totally present. We laugh more, play games almost every night, and in just one month I can see that my relationships have deepened with the boys and John.
The other thing I have been thinking about a lot is how much you used music to set the tone in our home growing up. You always had some sort of uplifting or gospel music playing. I remember you talking about that when you were sick. You told me you did that so even when you weren't teaching us, the music and the words were. I have (unfortunately) become extremely aware of how much music gets into the boys minds - dang that gangnam style song!
I've been looking for new and good music that is uplifting but also fun. Rachel introduced me to her husband's band, The Lower Lights. It's exactly what I've been looking for! You would have loved it! I also have several Pandora stations that play great music that we are listening to more. I should probably make a new station of Whitney Houston music, you LOVED Whitney. I can still see you tearing up while singing along to "One Moment in Time."
I know that you of all people understand how hard pregnancies and the baby stage were for me. Hormone imbalance can be hard, devastatingly hard. I feel a little hardened by those years. I also know how much fun you had with us at this stage of life and I'm learning to let the past go and hopefully the happy go lucky girl will continue to come back more and more.
I miss you!!! I miss calling you when I need someone to complain to who doesn't judge me. The loneliness is slowly fading but I miss your laugh. Most of all I miss how much you loved my boys, John included. You are not forgotten! We talk about you and we keep your traditions and memory alive. There were some changes I knew I needed to make this year and you have given me not only the direction to make them but I also pull strength from you and the courage and determination you lived your life with and passed onto me.
Love you Mommers!